I admit it – I am a hit whore

Musing away, idly drunk on “Witches Nipple” (a complex fusion of runway cleaner and battery acid with a huge nose and an under-the-table-finish), I was forced to accept that ‘stuffing the hedgehog’ has become something more than a drunken pastime. That’s not terribly interesting but my attempts to insert rude words into every new post until – let’s say – eternity may be.

To this end, I’ve been spending some quality time in the virtual statistics department. Surrounded by electronic beards and electron toed sandals, I fired up the data miner thingy and immersed myself in this dusty and mostly untrodden bridleway of the wibblyweb.

The next sound you will hear is me parallel parking that particular line of enquiry while instead something marginally tangential comes to mind. While holidaying in delightful Zummerset – slow pace of life, narrow roads, big skies, significant instance of six fingered locals, etc – my only contact with a world interested in more than the trials of Yeovil town FC and the price of cider was the schizophrenic computer that thinks it’s both a phone, an E-Mail backstop and half a browser. Incredible really that anything that small can be so functionally confused. Obviously it’s pretty rubbish at all of these things compromised by being too small to view any web pages, too large to phone anybody and too slow to accomplish anything else. A solution looking for a problem if ever I saw one, and yet by offering a tenuous link to the ‘world outside’, I could at least remain appropriate informed on items of global importance. Football results, celebrity shagging – you know the kind of thing. And because this site is so simple (thereby resembling it’s author), it works fine on dumputer(tm) so my narcissm doesn’t need to join me on holiday.

The last sound you just heard was the point passing me by and accelerating away.

Anyway. Let me share with you the two finest search terms scooped up from Google directing the unwary to the burrow of the hedgehog.

“How to Kill Hedgehogs“: worrying, kind of creepy but not really worthy of a further comment until I realised that from the very same IP address came “Sex with Hedgehogs�?. Oh yes, ladies and gentleman, there is a shadowy character on the fringes of society with a mission to cull the innocent hedgehog through the, frankly, arduous practise of sexual gratification. Liberal as I am, even I cannot attribute this to the keen animal hobbyist. Nasty, very nasty indeed.

“I want to improve my sense of humour“: two things immediately spring to mind; firstly the Internet is absolutely the wrong place to look for advice on – well – anything but specifically a cry for help in the amusement department. Secondly, what’s the poor bugger going to make of this site? Assuming the comedic talent is a pre-requisite for getting laid (which if you’ve got what we’ll euphemistically call a ‘lovely personality’ is essentially the only unpaid entrance to the world of snog), do you think his chances will have a. increased or b. decreased to the point of him wearing his drink over his head after delivering the comedy salvo that is “right, imagine I was riding a mountain bike in London and…..’

And then I thought those meta words may have been elicited from the fingers of the fairer sex. Oh lordy.

I trudged out of the statistics page with a heavy heart and a niggling worry about my fellow man. And locked the doors. Twice.

6 thoughts on “I admit it – I am a hit whore”

  1. Alex, the fact that I don’t really understand any of your post makes me believe that:

    (a) you work with computers’n’stuff …. I didn’t really follow anything of what you were saying, but the technical bits sounded astonishingly, er, technical.

    (b) a spectacularly large volume of Whelpers’ Olde Smugge Ayle must have been imbibed, because just as one train of logic departed the station, it somehow collided with an entirely different one.

    Hope the hangover wasn’t too debilitating.

  2. Nick. You’re half right. I ‘work’ with computers in that they annoy me intensely on a daily basis and it’s a source of constant frustration that I am not allowed to smash them into a million pieces with a member of the helpdesk.

    Amusing comment yours. It’s good to see someone setting the standard on this blog 🙂

  3. Glad I’m not the only person having trouble understanding Al’s drunking mind-wandering. At one point I was thinking that shagging and then killing a hedgehog was a required precursor to developing a sense of humour (and subsequently getting laid by a member of the fairer sex, and same species)… or did I miss something?

  4. Nug. I’ve tried that approach with limited success. But it certainly gets you noticed 😉

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