This morning, I have suffered the greatest affront to democracy since the traitorous Stanleyâ€™s switched sides at the battle of Bosworth Moor. Some direct descendent of that false King, Henry VII, has performed an underhand trouserectemy in the lockers.
The usurper has only gone and moved my kit from a locker that is forever England and exciled it to some lawless region that for the sake of this metaphor can be thought of as Bolton. Now thereâ€™s an unwritten law for locker-space where newcomers fit in where they can and respect the heirachy of those of us who came before. Yet this full blooded Lancastriansâ€™ approach has the appearance of ethnic cleansing with all his (and it has to be said rather nasty pink shirt and brown shoes) stuff anchored against a prized wall while my belongings have been banished far and wide.
This will not stand. There are battles worth fighting and battles worth running away before re-writing history to your advantage. So this is where the shifting sands of personal space stop shifting. To this end, Iâ€™m prepared to upgrade this minor border skirmish to total war including the use of archers and siege weapons. Iâ€™ve re-established the correct front line garrisoning my clothes with a damp towel. His stuff has been roughly re-housed squeezed between other locker users moist smalls. Stretching the metaphor yet further, while my trousers are enjoying an elevated view of the Vale of York, his garments are treading water in the Wigan outfall.
For his sake, this had better be the end of it. Otherwise the changing room will split down regional lines and inevitably an all out conflict will ensue. Except, I expect the southern softies shall mince around in their Calvin Klein underwear whining â€œoh no donâ€™t hurt each other, Iâ€™m sure we can resolve this by talking”. Like hell we can. It may have been 550 years since Richard III was wrongfully deposed but thatâ€™s a mere chronological bagatelle to a card carrying Yorkshireman. Thereâ€™s unfinished business and after this outrageous slur to my personal space, Iâ€™m the man to finish it! He’s thrown down the gauntlet and I’ll be picking it up to both accept his challenge and give him a good slapping.
For those unknowing of the â€œVietnam of the middle ages”, I can recommend the tragically impartial War Of The Roses site. Others prefering a somewhat more partisan summary of that conflict, let me offer up the line taken by my History teacher back in Yorkshire: â€œIt was a lucky draw and we didnâ€™t want the throne anyway. Plus those cheating b@stards ended up with Manchester so thatâ€™s all right then“
In other news Iâ€™ve been offered a Full-on Tax Simulation from our payroll department which has the hallmarks of a low budget porn movie. Probably worth attending then.