SkateFraud.

Verbal has just bought a skateboard. She’s already conquered the ex-board to the point where we no longer pre-book a hospital appointment every time she swishes along on the deadly thing. Which has taken a while as that wheeled lunacy is nothing less than an accident that hasn’t quite happened yet.

But apparently it’s rubbish at tricks mainly due to the weight and the inability to plot a course that involves straight lines. So a£10 skateboard from Argos* and some youthful enthusiasm has already turned the kitchen into an impromptu skate park. My first attempt was pretty typical of anything that merges an Alex, something with wheels and anything requiring balance skills. I gave the board some ‘umpty with my right foot only to find I’d suddenly acquired seven league boots without the luxury of a seven league crutch.

The board sped off backwards almost kneecapping the dog, while I – in the manner of comedic potential energy – rocketed forward landing carefully on my face and elbow. This illicited howls of delight from the kids “Dad THAT WAS ACE, DO IT AGAIN” and a whimper from yours truly here. The dog pitched in with his terrifying slobber of life, and I was back on my feet before drowning was added to an escalating list of injuries.

I wasn’t allowed a skateboard as a kid. This may have been, in part, due to the demand being made while lying in a hospital bed with a busted pelvis. Even back in those unenlightened times, the physio couldn’t see any benefits whatsoever of placing a healing mid section of hip atop a small wheeled cart with no brakes. I did sneak a go on my mates, which was my first and last attempt at the alien skills of the boarder. Too fast to get off, too scared to turn it uphill, my brief – yet tremendously exciting – skateboarding history ended in Mr. Mills hedge having easily cleared his low front wall at the point of impact.

So, already my ten year old daughter is better than me. That will not stand. And neither will I at the moment especially having googled “Advanced Skateboarding” only to find myself entirely wrong for the sport. I have no trousers with gussets terminating just above ankle level, no wild thatch of hair, no ability to rotate and flip my ageing body except from vertical to horizontal and no tattoos. Surely though, an experienced Mountain Biker like myself with the hand-eye co-ordination of a special needs stoat should be able to master the simplest tricks.

Like getting on without falling off. I know some of you must have pierced the inner circle of these dark arts. Time to pony up and share your secrets!

* A place I’m coming to think of as “The LIDL REJECT STORE

One thought on “SkateFraud.”

  1. My friend Julian tells me:


    If so, place the board at an imagined 12 O’clock. Then place your right foot towards the kick-board at the rear at an imagined 3 O’clock position whilst keeping your left foot grounded.

    Apply just enough pressure to slightly lift the nose of the board. Once mastered, place your left foot just ahead of the truck mountings in a 1 O’clock position. It’s better to have the feet slightly off-set rather than parallel.

    Then practice remaining stationary and lifting the nose moving your weight from the left foot to the right. This is an essential “basic”. Think of it as a gentle wheelie.

    Then you need to get the skateboard moving. Keep the left foot on the board and practice pushing-off with the right foot.

    Turning the board involves the heels and toes. When the board is in motion, transferring weight to the heels turns the board left and weight to the toes turns it right. Learn to use your hips but don’t swing your arms when turning at moderate speeds.

    The tick-tack:

    This is a method of keeping the board moving with both feet on it. Transfer your weight to the rear of the board and lift the nose either left or right. Drop the nose and turn the other way and drop the nose again. Continue to alternate and the board will keep going forwards until you stop.

    Once you’ve tired of skating, stamp the back of the board. This will send it airborne and practice coolly catching it. The chicks dig this.

    I don;’t understand any of that except the last sentence. Although I’ve substituted this for “Scars” 🙂

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