First a complaint. Surprising to hear this from a man who is so well adjusted to the rhythm of the world, and entirely tolerant of stupidity powered by marketing. But there it is â€“ well here it is actually: The next individual who feels to suffix their smugmail(tm) with some little ditty regarding the end device shall be consuming said smart device through one of two orifices.
With the aid of a spade if necessary. I care not if your latest missive has â€œbeen sent from you iPhoneâ€ or â€œintentionally brief as spewed from thumb wielding Blackberry boredomâ€.Â If email etiquette informed by the wielding of garden implements is unsuccessful, I shall be forced to launch a counter battery â€œPlease excuse the brevity, slate is bloody expensive and my chisel needs sharpening”
On the one hand, while my snoop cocking at the triviality of shiny-new-stuff technology is becoming increasingly vocal, I cannot but lust after the bastard love child of a tablet and netbook.Â You see I cannot â€“ and will not â€“ succumb to the crazy idea that Â£500 is a fine price to consume the web on a keyboard-less screen.Â And that position remains firm even after being shown exactly how clever an accelerometer is.
But…but…but.. that Asus* is one smart design. Itâ€™s like version 2 of a netbook â€“ another technology I never really understood, and thereâ€™s some cheap Dell shit sat in a drawer at home to show how easy it is to dismiss such hype right after youâ€™ve spent real money on oneÂ – kind of funky and useful.
Any such purchase by a trend chaser such as I is doomed to determine a future already played out by such technological titans as Betamax and the Apple Newton.Â But it does have two things to recommend it: a) itâ€™s not made by Apple who have turned smugness into a religion and therefore should be shunned by proper engineering types and b) itâ€™s actual usable for something other than viewing web/games/norks** from funny angles.
Thereâ€™s some hidden benefits as well. Firstly my dumbphone(tm) will probably commit suicide on seeing something four waves of technology downstream of itsâ€™ own digitally stunted world. This would be a good thing as, regardless of the limitless abuse I meter out to the bloody thing, it resolutely refuses to die.
Secondly my kids would think me cool for about ten seconds before realising it wasnâ€™t an iPad. At which point itâ€™d be chucked in the bucket of â€œuncool dadâ€ which includes Mountain Bikes, ability to make â€œhorse in distress noisesâ€ and inability to understand what the hell is going on in Dragonball Z***
Itâ€™s all a bit electronic fantasy tho as Carol will rightly â€œvalue engineerâ€ any such purchase with a simple â€œWhatâ€™s it for?â€. And, because she is entirely immune to the power of marketing and bullshit, this leaves me little wriggle room other than â€œit’s my birthday soon”
Still at my age, the money would probably better spent on a CAT scan 😉
* A name sniggeringly amusing until you mate it with the fourteen word product name/version which someone takes the gloss of itsâ€™ smuttiness.
** Taken from my old mate Steveâ€™s description of how he spent one night with a bevy of drunk nurses. Itâ€™s is a derivative of â€œnork snorkellingâ€. Fairly sure you can work out the rest.
*** â€œHeâ€™s dead Dadâ€ â€œWhat the one running about and fighting? Iâ€™d be inclined to ask for a second opinionâ€