Enjoying one road ride is probably acceptable, enjoying two is tantamount to MTB treason. Before my skinny tired bike is behead-tubed*, let me at least present a case for the defence.
Firstly it wasnâ€™t a long ride. The plan for a metric century was curtailed by a lack of time. Further scaling back became necessary once a small mechanical oversight popped up in the first 200 metres.
Not so much popped up, more popped out, with a cranked chain spinning uselessly over un-indexable cogs. Look with that many little sprockets and associated spacers, anyone could have inadvertently misaligned the two.
It was me of course. And as such, I was deemed unfit to effect a repair which saw Jezz seemingly chase the wheel around the workshop using his biggest hammer. An opportune time perhaps for a quick spanner twirl elsewhere on the innocent frame.
First time out on Mr. Plastic Fantastic in 2011, all a-bling with new wheels (cassette not fitted properly, tyres under-inflated), new saddle (testicle splitting angle due to poor fitment) and new carbon post (unfitted due to it being entirely the wrong size).
Eventually, after some embarrassment and more excuses, the good ship Malvern-Route set sail under fair conditions with little wind and temperatures close to double digits.
Riding the Boardman after Woger Wibble was something of a revelation. Best described as being gifted a proper cyclistâ€™s set of legs, and an extra lung. Crikey itâ€™s light â€“ at least six pounds under the honest toiler of my winter bike â€“ and *ahem* stiff. Having campaigned the thick end of 600k this winter on Wog sets a telling precedent on what a proper race bike feels like.
Feels fast for a start. Emboldened by climatic conditions, super light bike, dry road and an inability to clip out (new road shoes, new road pedals, stopping and starting involved lampposts and increasingly agitated foot waggling) my pace was both brisk and entirely inappropriate.
The latter I would only discover some two hours later when that â€œlittle windâ€ could be more accurately described as â€œa bastard headwind seeking to reduce me to a little cryâ€. Still having a trick bike is a great leveller.
Jezz was riding a oversized Wibble that puts one in mind of a farm gate cleverly accessorised with a wheel at either end. Not only tall, it has sufficient length to factory-fit a claxon and speaking tube for turns: â€œAll Ahead Flank Engine Roomâ€ can often be heard bouncing off random Malvern hills.
So my bike is light and fast which is an almost perfect juxtaposition to the rider. Whereas Jezz â€“ an Etape veteran and unapologetic semi-roadie – can normally rip my little stumps off at will. At this point, I can share with you that it is entirely about the bike.
For two hours, we jested and jousted up and over hilly terrain. I still lost more than I won but derived some pleasure from the look on Jezzâ€™s fizog a couple of times. One I recognised as â€œJust give me a minute, once the black spots have faded, weâ€™ll be on our wayâ€.
Somewhere in between such hyper-competitivety, I realised with horror this was really quite enjoyable. Even a jaunt through Malvern traffic didnâ€™t disappoint as my â€œLondon Commuter Elbowsâ€ have lost nothing in their vigorousness over the last few years.
And then the headwind. With all the climbing done, I was ready for an easy 25k spin home along the valley bottom. The only match to that idyllic description was the distance. Not flat, slight climb all the way home, arrow straight roads horizon long, and into the teeth of a headwind that sought out my tiring limbs and made them tireder still.
I swallowed a little water, slightly more pride and hid behind Jezz for a while until we mercifully turned the relentless blast into a crosswind. That couldnâ€™t hide the fact Iâ€™d shot my bolt though and â€“ light bike or not â€“ the last few climbs were properly hurty.
Lesson learned? Probably not, ego not generally gapped my ambition. 70k, 890m of climbing, similar average speed to last time out but on a route made far tougher by elevation. Riding in this morning was a fairly sedate affair, but not for a minute did I consider driving.
Actually I was looking forward to getting back on the (heavy) bike. Thatâ€™s a worrying development.
* Been reading lots of Tudor history. After considering disease, poverty, hangmanâ€™s noose and executionerâ€™s blade, hard to believe the population of England during that time could be more than about 7.