Shuffling embarrassed into my inbox this morning was this horror which understandably put me right off my breakfast.
It’s a Hummer Mountain Bike and you can read all about it here. There is not sufficient mathematics in the world to begin to count the number of things wrong with it. But almost worse than that is this; the marketing bollocks which accompanied that photo.
I’ve seen some outlandish claims made for mountain bikes over the years but this one doesn’t just take the biscuit, it nicks the whole bloody packet and makes a hostile bid for the manufacturer.
All HUMMER Tactical Mountain Bikes use Montague’s patented military folding system, developed to allow Paratroopers an easy exit from military aircraft with a full-size mountain bike
I’m sure you “ like me “ have many a time lamented the lack of ambition from your bike designers. So how useful would it be to be able to leap out of a plane knowing your robust off road transport has been thoughtfully designed to fall out of a Hercules transport plane? That has to be the most pointless Unique Selling Point since the SDLP combined two power crazed lunatics into a single political party.
Obviously if this behemoth ever did go on active service, chances are it’d land on your head, killing you instantly and creating a tidal wave that’d make the current rising sea levels look like a bit of heavy surf.
And yet, the copy spares itself no embarrassment whatsoever with what follows:
Developed for extreme riding, the HUMMER Tactical Mountain Bike can be stored inside your HUMMER, car, boat, plane, closet or wherever else you stash your gear.
Or possibly up your arse, which should be the immediate and final resting place of the advertising blurb.
If one was spending useful time nailing colours to masts, mine would translate to unreconstructed bike snobbery and irrational hatred of folding cycles. But in this case, it is perfectly justifiable to lampoon the whole ludicrous concept with it’s cheap, heavy components, pointless front fork, spindly yet weighty frame and “ to cap an almost uncappable folly “ a price tag of£750.
You could buy a car for that. Or at least a nice bike. And – although I honestly believed nothing would ever put me in a position to say this – it is EVEN WORSE than the Sinclair Wheeled Death Machine
Pass me the angle grinder. It’d be an act of selfless public service.
I like ‘…the bike folds in less than 30 seconds – without the use of tools’, meaning it will fold when you least expect it to, like halfway down a rocky descent.
Sounds like the bike for you, Alex; at least you could blame the bike for the resulting injuries. (Joking.)
It’s now a bargain at£695; what are you waiting for?
Or maybe not. The tag line sums it up; ‘Hummer – like nothing else’. There is a good reason for that…
Here in SUV-land, my brother in-law was employed at Target for a short while and his favorite part was dealing with bicycles. He’d try to convince those buying bikes at Target to stay away from the $199 full-suspension models and at least get a bike with as few ready-to-fall-off at any moment parts as possible.
He sold a bike to woman one day who was horribly concerned that said bike would not fit into the back of her car, as she was not sure she could get the seat down in the back. My brother in-law was dispatched to help. When they got out into the parking lot, the car in question trurned out to be a Hummer H2, which is cavernous even without the seat down. The bike fit fine.
In my work at REI, I personally sold twin Thule cargo boxes to a Hummer owner, who wanted two “because it would look good.” He honestly couldn’t think of what he’d ever put in them. Anyway, the idea of a folding Hummer bike is hilsarious on so many levels, but at least out here it is most hilarious because the average heft of the average Hummer driver would collase that little folder like a paperclip.
Mark – I’d injure myself just folding it up. All done but – oops – appear to be missing a toe.
Matt – maybe it’s because I’m some uptight tea drinking english liberal, but hummers just bloody annoy me. If you want something ex-military to make up for a small penis, buy a f*cking tank 😉
I have to say, the phrase “tactical mountain bike” is going to take some beating for sheer “WTFness.”
I like itttt. I’ve ordered one in limited-edition camoflaaaaage, it’s well coooooooooool.
ps I’ll be taking it baaaaaack!